I’ve been doing alot of thinking the past few days about the last year and my future… Its not all pretty, and most of it is dark and gloomy; but I figure I should get it all written down and out of my head. Might help me sleep better, and god only knows, maybe someone has amazing advice for me. (I won’t hold my breath)
2010 has to be one of my worst years so far. It started out with me being 29, unemployed for a year, and living on my own with my best friend and my ex-girlfriend in Bangor. By the time my birthday came around in June, i’d lost the apartment, moved home with my parents, and had some sort of big fight with my best friend, and we stopped talking. After that it seems like the handful of friends I had left in Bangor just grew further apart, and now I barely hear from them. (not you guys Mark, April etc, my other bangor friends lol). Looking back at it now, it seems everyone that was around me at the beginning of the year was just using me for something, one way or another. I’m too good a person, too giving, and i care too much about people. It always gets me into trouble.
Now I’m 30, and living in my parent’s basement. Talk about a stereotype… I’m not even sure how it got to be 2011 so fast. Its mindboggling when I try to figure out where the last handful of months went 🙁 It seems like i’ve been getting more and more alone, growing more and more apart from the friends I had. Don’t get me wrong, I love Milo…. I just have so few friends here. If it wasn’t for Eric and Jess, I probably would be certifiably insane now. I can’t thank them enough for putting up with me all the time, and I hope they know how much it means to me. Even then, I feel like i’m a third wheel alot of the time. They’re a couple, and they have a baby on the way….
EVERYONE is either pregnant, just had a baby, or is engaged. It sickens me, makes me feel old. And makes me feel like the last single guy on earth. If you’d asked me 10 or 15 years ago where I thought I’d be today, I woulda figured I’d have a family started by now. Or at LEAST a steady girlfriend. I got nothing. What really kills me is finding out how many of my younger friends are married / having kids now. Its not only Craig either! Found an old friend from college online the other day. He was a high school kid who hung out in the Computer Club alot. He’s out of college, married, and has a kid. I just don’t understand why life has left me behind. At least thats what it seems like 🙁
I know I’ve made alot of mistakes in my life… And i’ve payed quite dearly for most of them. Everyone keeps telling me to look on the bright side, that things will get better, but I just don’t see it. Ive tried that approach before, and it never works out. Everytime I find some little good thing to cling onto, it bites me in the ass. So many people i’ve cared for and trusted in the past have used, abused, or just plain hurt me. It makes it hard to trust people much anymore… let alone love anyone. I’m too good-natured a person i guess, people just use it to their advantage.
Spent New Years Eve down in Bangor with Mark, April, Sparky, Zan, Nick, Sarah, Amelia and Josh #2. It was a good time, but kinda made me feel like the odd man out. I was the only one there either not married, engaged, in a relationship, or whatever Sparky and Zan are now lol. Just got me really down. Woke up this morning feeling even sicker, and quite depressed all day. Spent the afternoon talking to Wayde online, and it really helped me feel better. He might be all the way down in North Carolina, but its good to know someone still thinks of me and misses me. I’d really like to go down for his birthday this week, but good lord, NC is a long haul 🙁
Been trying to do some thinking about the future…. but thats a crap-shoot. I have no idea what to do, or where to go next. I’ll have been unemployed for 2 years coming up in the next week or two… and the job market looks more bleak every day. I keep finding these great jobs, but never hear back from them after I apply. Only response I ever get is “we’re still looking into people”. Then a month or two later I end up getting a rejection letter… The economy just SUCKS. Whats worse is I try not to get my hopes up, but sometimes its hard. I guess the rejection that burned me the most was from UMF. I mean, they gave me my degree, and they won’t even hire me. What does that say?? Since then I find it hard to get excited about applying for much of anything.
I just dunno what to do…. I’ve also been “offered” more responsibility with the local newspaper… Doing the layout for the whole paper and such. It would give me the chance to make some changes, and improve things a little, but I don’t know if I want to bother. I already volunteer so much of my time for things that don’t pay me, its ridiculous. And i get little to no recognition for just about everything I do. I dont know if any of its even worth it anymore….
So if anyone has worthwhile suggestions for helping me with the future, let me know. And if anyone wants to pack up and run away to a far corner of the country with me, I’m taking applications.